“Marcia, would you do a talk called ‘Giving Up Enemies’ for us?” That was the invitation. It was also the challenge! Of course, it’s a twist on the standard teaching to “love your enemies.”
It’s the twist that got me. That little twist put the focus on my reluctance to give up someone’s enemy status with me. While “love your enemy” lets me indulge my fantasies about being really noble, “giving up enemies” exposes my dogged desire to nurse my wounds and get some sort of retribution.
So I took the assignment with humility.
What is an enemy, anyway? The online dictionary I consulted gave this definition:

En-e-my (noun) = a person who is actively opposed and hostile to someone or something

Pretty simple definition. Pretty open field, even if you tend to think that you don’t really have enemies.

Who do you think is actively opposed and hostile toward you? And who are you opposed and hostile toward?
The first question is easier for most of us to look at. Who has hurt you or threatened you? Who’s embarrassed you, or has the potential to embarrass you? Who do you see yourself locked with in a high-stakes competition? Who thinks wrong, acts wrong, looks wrong to you? Who’s on the wrong side of the issues, the divide or the tracks?

Now, let’s take a look at the other question. Who are you opposed to and hostile toward? It doesn’t take much digging to see that the list is just about the same as the first one. I’ll bet that you’re like me. When I consider someone to be actively opposed or hostile toward me, I tend to get opposed to them and hostile toward them, too, whether they are terrorists across the globe or pesky neighbors next door.

I may not behave very badly on the outside, but inside my head, wow! It’s on!

Given the definition of enemy, I’d have to say that I become one. Don’t you? Maybe that’s what we can change. Maybe, in order to give up our enemy, we must stop being an enemy. Maybe it calls for a change in intention, a change in will. Instead of intending hostility and opposition, can we intend to be at least neutral towards if not rooting for the other person as a fellow human being?

Sounds possible, but that’s still a fairly big leap from hostility to being “for” someone. How does that happen?

The path is my old friend forgiveness, which I know to be so powerful and yet so elusive. It’s the letting go of hostility, the release of active opposition to the other and the recognition of our common plight as human beings.

But naming it doesn’t show us how to do it when forgiveness doesn’t bubble up naturally. So here are some questions to move you along the path of forgiveness.

What do I seem to be getting by considering this person (or these people) an enemy? Hints:

• When people have hurt us, embarrassed us or threatened us in some way, we feel powerless. It’s as if they’ve robbed our power. Naming them the enemy gives us a sense of self-righteousness, power and courage.
• Enemies are handy to blame for everything from being distracted and unproductive at work to letting ourselves off the hook for just about anything we want to be off the hook for.

Oh, yes, and any time we want instant “acceptance” all we have to do is find some others who have the same enemy (or a similar one, we’re not going to be picky), and we can bond over how we’ve been done wrong.

What is it costing me to keep this enemy? Hints:

• All that energy tied up in plotting revenge, re-living the wrongs we’ve endured, bracing for the next encounter, etc. is exhausting!
• Hostility and love occupy the same space inside us. If we’re full up with one, there’s not room for the other. So, even the people we hold most dear don’t get as much of our love while we’re holding on to an enemy. And that bonding with other “victims” wears really thin really fast.
• Maybe most of all, holding on to enemies costs us a piece of our peace every moment, every day. We’re designed to be connecting and compassionate. At some level, we don’t like being an enemy, we don’t like the way we think and feel and act in the enemy role. It’s not who we are at our best, and we know it, even if we revel in the heady stuff of resentment and revenge temporarily. When the thrill wears off, and it will, we are left with a sinking emptiness and fear.

Will I forgive and stop being an enemy? Hints:

• It’s up to you! Even if the other person does not change their attitude or behavior towards you, you are in charge of your own intentions and actions.
• Letting go of the hostility and beginning to be “for” the other person at a fundamental level does not mean that someone’s hurtful behavior is ok with you. Forgiving doesn’t mean you’re lying down for bad treatment again and again and again.
• In fact, once you are more able to see yourself alongside that other person, it may become clearer how to stop being their victim. You may find yourself more free to set boundaries with them, more willing to have courageous conversations about how their behavior impacts you and others. Or, you may find yourself free to move on without rancor. You’ll just need to forgive and see what opens up for you each time you do.

We can do that! You can and I can, and knowing that we're on this path together can give us all courage.